Scare Away The Dark by Passenger
I've taken somewhat of a blogging sabbatical this summer, not so much due to lack of time, but lack of motivation and joie de vivre. But this post comes as an absolute pleasure to write, so get a hot chocolate and snuggle down.
As of my last post (yes, June, it was that long ago), things have changed. In my last post, I spoke about how lost and vulnerable I was feeling, and that I had begun to feel crippled by the weight of depression that was bring me down. Despite being surrounded by my family, and supported from afar by Josh, I felt so alone, and that I would never see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I kept believing this until about three weeks ago.
It was as though my mind suddenly began to think clearly for the first time, as though it was able to wade through the memories and distractions that were clouding my head and finally begin sorting through them. I had many sleepless nights, with my mind racing through past memories, working out why they hurt and what could be done, and then they were simply filed away. On awaking in the morning, I felt like there was room to breathe. After several more nights like this, my mind just began to feel emptier and clearer, in a way that I have never felt. The only way I can describe it is if you have been to an insanely loud gig, and you leave with ringing in your ears: it's the moment you realise that it has faded away entirely.
In brief, I felt free. Free from the panic, the anxiety, and the misery that had been following me for longer than I can remember. I can wake up and face the day with a smile. I can laugh at silly animal videos on youtube, not just a half-hearted giggle, but proper laughter. Josh has noticed such a difference: the Hannah that he met two and a half years ago is back, but more than ever. I can eat (70% of the time) without worrying and feeling huge pangs of guilt: I'm not eating to comfort or to punish, but I'm eating to survive. More than anything though is, with the return of university, I can think. Before my mind would constantly stray from the task in hand, so that working on anything for more than a few minutes was impossible. But I can now sit down in a class and be completely there in every sense of the word.
Honestly, I never thought that I'd be here, feeling as I do. Things have become so much better that, after support since February, I have been signed off from counselling. I no longer feel that I am a danger to myself. The emotional and physical scars are fading fast, and life suddenly feels worth living. And, okay, I am still on the medication for at least the next eight months, but I think that after that, I will be ready to be completely free.
Basically, I just wanted to write this to say that if you're suffering from depression, or are supporting someone who is, get the help you need, as recovery is so worth it. Like a packet of digestive biscuits after two days of 'nil by mouth' in a hospital bed. Like a long, warm bath after finishing the Duke of Edinburgh expedition. The feeling of relief is incredible, and worth every second of pain myself and everyone around me went through. You can do it. Like any illness, depression can be helped, you just need the right support.
And if we all light up we can scare away the dark.